D-day, dairy not delivery.

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It’s no secret that my family is a pain in the butt to feed. All of us have dairy sensitivities and some of us can’t (or shouldn’t) be eating gluten. Neither of these foods is really good for ANYONE’S bodies, but thats a whole blog post in itself! For my family dairy affects all of us differently. Alaina has behavioral issues. Noah gets ear infections. Maggie has major flare ups of her eczema. Addi is just like her Mommy and gets horrible sinus infections and congestion. I’m fairly strict with Maggie bc her symptoms are the worst, but I tend to be a little more lenient with the older three. I let them have pizza with their friends or ice cream at a party if it’s not a regular occurrence.
I, however, do not have the same discipline for myself. I just got done with a second antibiotic for a massive sinus infection. I’ve been dealing with this since I was a kid so it’s fairly normal for me to feel like my head is going to explode 355 days a year. Now that I know what causes it you would think I’d avoid putting myself through that pain, but no. I like cheese. A lot. And chocolate. Yes, there are dairy free substitutes, but blech!

The only time I am serious about keeping myself dairy free is when I am nursing. I know chances are my babies will not be able to tolerate it, which means lots of sleepless nights and cranky days for everyone. Dairy can take two weeks to leave your system completely, and with the ever so slight chance my body goes into labor at 38 weeks (go ahead, laugh, I did while typing that) 36 weeks is my cut off. It’s the day I dread most every pregnancy. I mentally prepare myself for weeks. That day was yesterday, and bc the universe hates me my best friend from the age of 11 made her husband four cheesecakes for his 30th birthday party last night. Pretty sure that’s the first time I ever turned down cheesecake. I did drool the whole way home though. And I might have eaten a giant handful of Ghiradelli chocolate chips. Thank God for Ghiradelli.

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A bittersweet day

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A few days after my 31st birthday last June I had an odd feeling. Not sure what it was, but I had the overwhelming feeling I should take a pregnancy test and I’m not sure why I was so shocked by the results! I moved from shocked to pure excitement in a few short minutes and immediately figured out my due date…February 23, 2012. It was a HUGE surprise, but for an only child who has always longed for a large family I couldn’t help but be excited along with the worry of how we would squeeze one more body into our already cozy house. Steve wasn’t nearly as thrilled as I was! Lol

As any expectant parent knows from the moment that little pink plus sign appears you start visualizing that child’s future. You have feelings on gender, and names, and hair color. Who he will look like, which sibling he’ll act like. I had a blissful three days day dreaming of our new baby, but we didn’t run out and tell everyone like before. We told just a handful of people because we worried a lot about the judgement that was sure to follow. We felt it with Maggie so it was only expected to happen with a 5th child!

On June 19th we had a fun evening with neighbors, joking around about another baby, playing games, and letting the kids enjoy a movie night with friends. When our neighbors left I realized I was spotting. That happened with Alaina so while I was a bit worried I wasn’t thinking the worst. I ran to the store and bought another pregnancy test and let a out a sigh of relief when the pink lines showed up immediately. I went to bed, and slept well but when I woke up the next morning I just knew I was miscarrying.

I called my midwife and my family doctor, had blood work done, and learned my hormone levels were close to zero. It was confusing how I had even gotten a positive the night before. Along with my hormone levels we tested some other things and I learned that my thyroid was out of whack, higher than it should be to sustain a pregnancy. While my doctor didn’t seem concerned my midwife explained why she would treat me with a number like mine. I made an appointment and pushed the issue with my doctor to put me on thyroid medication.

Less than a month later we discovered I was pregnant again. We joke around that there obviously was a little soul out there who was very determined to be part of our family because I was pregnant again less than two weeks after my miscarriage. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about the little one who was due today, but I feel like I know what the purpose was. If it weren’t for losing that baby I would still be in the dark about a lot of other issues I was having health wise. So while today is a rough day, I can’t help but smile when I think about our next due date rapidly approaching. I’m thankful for a midwife who knows her stuff and a doctor who listens to me and is open minded even though he may not always agree. My thyroid has been great most of my pregnancy and I have a healthy, almost full term baby that we are all so excited to meet!

What a difference twenty years makes.

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When I was 6 I picked out a back pack and lunch box, put a pretty dress on, climbed on the school bus, and went to my neighborhood school. I got good grades, played with my friends, and relaxed on the weekend. If you were mean to your friends you went to the principal’s office. If you weren’t you probably had no idea who the principal was. I was one of those kids. The only time I was near his office was when it was my turn to read the morning announcements. So of course I assumed that when I had children things would happen in a similar manner.

Fast forward 20 years. This whole school thing sucks now. It’s hard. It’s not as simple (for most of us) as standing on the porch waving with a cup of coffee as your child climbs on to the bus to start their day. From the moment Alaina started preschool we knew she was different. Things were hard for her. Instead of her teachers bringing these hardships to our attention we got smiles at pick up and a child who was withdrawing so slowly that as her parents we didn’t even see it. It wasn’t until she started bringing artwork home and telling us she “didn’t do it right” that we saw a giant red flag. What 4 year old isn’t proud of a giant collage of cut up paper? We immediately pulled her from the toxic environment she was in and began working with her at home but it was too late. Every.single.thing. Has been a struggle for Alaina ever since.

When it comes to choosing a school for the kids I don’t feel I’m unrealistic, but I have some deal breakers. I know there is no perfect school. I have zero tolerance for bullies. Alaina is an easy target. Shes polite, quiet, has anxiety issues, and doesn’t advocate for herself which are things she works on weekly in OT. Alaina was bullied all through kindergarten with out our knowledge bc it was blown off by teachers and she was too afraid to tell us. This continued into first grade, but this time I knew what was happening and made myself a presence with her teacher every time the was an incident. Nothing was EVER done to this bully. Nothing. This is why we left Holy Cross. I couldn’t leave her in a small Catholic school to endure that until 8th grade in addition to all her other physical and emotional issues.

My second deal breaker? My children being treated with disrespect. When we heard about Xavier it sounded like the perfect fit for the girls. Great curriculum, staff, after school clubs and FREE. I heard through the grapevine that Alaina would have an amazing teacher, something she desperately needed. At the beginning of the year small things bothered me, but nothing I couldn’t look past bc of how much Alaina was thriving. Her teacher really is a god send and I believe that this woman was put in Alaina’s life at the exact right time. She pushes her to do her best, but also quietly raises her confidence. She is 100% supportive of all the modifications in Alaina’s IEP and really advocates for her.

Communication between home and school administration is non existent. There have been major staffing changes within the building that were never communicated to parents. If there is a change to the calendar the administration informs the children at morning assembly and it is then their responsibility to pass that on to parents. The principal’s monthly newsletter is a few paragraphs mostly consisting of reminders of all the wrong things we as parents do like walking our kids into the building or stopping by for an impromptu lunch with our child.

The icing on the lack of communication cake was finding out that the most disrespectful woman I have ever met was appointed the new Dean of Students. I have witnessed on numerous occasions this woman demanding respect and compliance from students yet telling them to “shut their mouths.” Woah. Time out. My children are supposed to respect a woman who has no issue telling a child to shut up? They may fear her but they will never respect her.

I feel like this is my breaking point with Xavier. Today she made all of the teachers (even down through the little ones) take time out of their day to read the children the dress code and point out that children were breaking the rules. Are you fucking kidding me? We are in a school where my daughter hasn’t been outside for recess in WEEKS bc kids don’t have proper winter coats, yet this woman is going to take time out of the teachers day to harp on leggings and proper dress length. Good Lord.

I’m done. I’ve been toying with the idea of homeschool for years, but curriculum overwhelms me. Last year we were introduced to Connections Academy (an online public school) by a friend and I didn’t feel ready yet to take the plunge. I still had lots of questions. After yet another crappy school experience I’m jumping in feet first and the kids couldn’t be more excited. Every morning on the way to school they say, “can’t we start homeschooling this week?” lol I can’t wait. Registration begins in April and I’ll be up bright and early filling out their applications.

Noah and Dragon

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It’s been awhile! As you can tell from the name of the blog we’ve moved well past three! We are looking forward to welcoming baby #5 this Spring. My official due date is March 31st, but aside from banning her from being born on Match 30th we know she’s on her schedule not ours. Secretly I’m hoping for a St. Patrick’s Day baby. That was my grandpa’s birthday and I can’t think of a more special day for her to be born. Not to mention, how fun of a 21st birthday would THAT be? Besides, it’s no secret that this pregnancy has been much more difficult on me than any of the previous ones so her coming a couple weeks early would be very welcome. My body is done. How Michelle Duggar has had 19 children and can still walk is beyond me.

While all of the kids are excited to meet this little lady, Noah seems to have a very strong bond with her already. If he’s near me he has to be touching her. He stands in front of my belly talking to her and making faces at her as if she can actually see what he’s doing. He will tell me, “this is the face I make when I want her to laugh” It’s like he has this insight into her that the rest of us don’t have.
Anyone who knows Noah knows that we jokingly refer to him as Rain Man. He has this crazy ability to remember things, and sometimes the things he says sort of freak us out. So, about two months ago he says to me, “Mom, the baby’s name is Dragon.” I just laughed while he stared at me, considering the first name he gave her was Donut. He hasn’t let it drop. He calls her Dragon anytime he talks to her. Then started tacking on Water and calling her Water Dragon. Again, we just laughed it off as Noah being silly. One day I was looking at the Pregnancy app on my phone and it mentioned the Chinese New Year and that this was the Year of the Dragon. In particular, the year of the Water Dragon. It piqued my curiosity and I started researching all my kids “animals” It is CRAZY how accurate it is for my kids’ personalities! I must say I’m a little nervous to add a Dragon to our already busy family! Lol I’m convinced this was Noah’s way of preparing me for this new little one. To give me some of his insight into her. In the Chinese Zodiac Noah is a Rat and one of the animals they are most compatible with is the Dragon. I’m sure most people think I’m seems a little nuts, but it seems a little too coincidental to me!

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I can’t wait to see how he interacts with her after she is born and while I would never name my child Dragon I’m pretty sure it’s a nick name that will stick around for awhile! Speaking of names, I’m up for suggestions because she may never have one!

I’m just the Vessel

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The same mantra that kept me focused during Noah’s birth kept me sane this time around. My dear friend (and yoga instructor) Brooke read us a passage out of a book during my very first yoga class a year and a half ago. I can’t remember the exact wording, but it reminded us that we are just the vessel. The baby decides how they come into the world. It’s our job to carry them here, but they decide their birth. Throughout this whole experience I just kept reminding myself that I was just her vessel.

Magdalyn Elizabeth, 4:19 am January 19th, 7lbs 12 oz, 21 in.

For the two weeks before my due date I was very stressed with school commitments and holiday and birthday parties. I kept praying the little person inhabiting my body would just hang tight for another month. I was nervous about Noah’s reaction and sad that he wouldn’t be my “baby” any longer. In the days before Maggie was born things got even more stressful.  I fell down the stairs two days before my due date and Teran kept harassing telling me all weekend that I needed to call Lynn (my midwife) to tell her what happened. She could tell I was getting annoyed because I felt fine aside from some bumps and bruises. So on Sunday night we made a compromise that she would call her sister Maureen (who was my Bradley Instructor) and if Mo thought I should call I would call. Well, of course Mo agreed with Teran and offered up one more piece of advice that Teran warned me I probably didn’t want to hear. “Tell Christina to go get a relaxing foot massage, practice her yoga breathing, and have a chat with the baby.” To which I responded, “Is she CRAZY? If I relax I might go into labor!”

The next morning was my due date, January 18th. We had been up with Noah all night because he had a stomach bug that he caught from a party so once we were up and moving I called Lynn to tell her about my fall and quickly felt terrible about not calling sooner. The girls were off school because of MLK day and Steve stayed home from work to help me because I was really sore from the fall. There was no way I could take care of Noah by myself. We had a very low key day, just laying around watching TV and resting.  Around lunch time I had this realization that I just needed to let go of everything that was stressing me out. That the baby was going to come whenever he/she wanted to. It wasn’t up to me. So, I took Mo’s advice. I took a nice long bath, had a chat with Little Miss and told her I was ready for her whenever she was ready to meet us. When I was done I went downstairs and had Steve rub my feet while we watched a couple TV shows. We layed on the couch and laughed at the baby hiccuping for well over a half hour.

Around 4:30 pm I started feeling nauseous. I knew I was getting whatever Noah had, but I told Steve to go ahead and go to bowling and we would be fine until he got home. I was feeling worse as the night went along so I rushed to get all the kids to bed by 7:00.  I took another bath because that is the only thing that kept my stomach calm and crawled into bed around 8:00. As long as I was laying completely still I didn’t feel the need to get sick. Around 10:00pm I noticed that every once in awhile a contraction would wake me up, but I didn’t think too much about it. At 11:30 I couldn’t lay still any longer because the contractions were waking me up more frequently so I got up to go to the bathroom and got sick for the first time.  I went back to bed and for the next hour and a half I slept between contractions and it still wasn’t registering that maybe I was in labor.

At 1:00 am, January 19th, I woke up to get sick again and when I went to the bathroom I had some “bloody show.”  I believe the words, “Oh, shit!” came out of my mouth rather loudy in the bathroom and I waddled my way into the bedroom where Steve was sleeping. I woke him up and told him I was in labor. With all my other pregnancies I never had any sort of bloody show until I was well into labor, so I just knew it was the real thing.  Steve asked if I was serious and I said, “Yeah, I’m pretty sure.” I started letting my birth team know it was time by first sending a text to them all. Antonette called me and I can’t remember the exact words that we exchanged but I do remember telling her I wasn’t sure if I needed everyone to come yet, but she was going to head over anyway.  At 1:45am I started to get a little nervous that if things went as fast as they had with Noah everyone may not make it in time.

I called Lynn and then texted Amy so that they would be on their way and Steve called Eileen. When we were both off the phone we opened up our birth kit and got out the plastic sheet and spare set of sheets to get the bed ready. When that was done I started filling up the bathtub because my contractions were getting much more uncomfortable and I wasn’t able to talk through them anymore. They were anywhere from 2-4 minutes apart. All I wanted was to relax in the tub.

I came downstairs to wait for everyone while the tub was filling. When Antonette got here I remembered how sick Noah had been and how sick I was shortly before labor (which seemed to vanish once I realized I was in labor. It was like my body had something else to focus on rather than being sick). I didn’t want anyone else getting sick, so after leaning down against the kitchen counter during a contraction I pulled out the Lysol spray and wipes from under the sink. Antonette asked me right away what I needed her to do for me. My response? “Lysol my house, please! I don’t want anyone else puking!” She stared at me a little dumbfounded for a minute, but did what I asked 🙂 I was working through the contractions in the kitchen and then started walking through the downstairs looking for things to keep me busy. I cleaned the bathroom mirror and sink and then went back upstairs to check on the status of my bath. I didn’t want to get in the water until Lynn was here though because I was nervous things would move quicker.

Shortly after Lynn arrived she and I went upstairs to check out the baby. I layed down on the bed and she got the doppler out to listen. It wasn’t working very well so she asked if she could go ahead and do a vaginal exam. I layed back and closed my eyes while she checked me. She said, “Great, you’re 6cm…”  *giant pause* “and, that’s the baby’s butt I’m feeling.” My eyes flew open and I said, ” You have GOT to be kidding me.”

Lynn said we needed to head to the hospital to get an ultrasound to confirm it. I asked if we would be able to come back home if by any chance the baby really wasn’t breech and she said if we had the time, but in the back of my mind I knew that wasn’t going to happen. I was losing my homebirth. Lynn headed downstairs to call ahead to Labor and Delivery and I just stared at my birth kit all packed up still sitting under the window in our room. I snapped out of it and found the hospital bag I had packed “just in case” but was so sure I wasn’t going to need and walked out of my bedroom.  I paused outside the bathroom door when I noticed my nice warm bath still sitting there waiting.

I got downstairs and by this time Amy and Eileen were both here as well and everyone was just kind of staring at me. I didn’t know what to say. I just wanted to cry, but I also knew that I needed to hold it together so I could think about the questions I needed to ask once were there and stay calm enough to still have options to make this the best birth it could be. I tried waking the girls up a little just to tell them we were leaving and then Antonette and I walked out to the car first. I turned and asked her if there were things we could do at this point to even try to turn the baby.  She said it didn’t sound like that was going to be an option. She sat in the back seat and held my hand the whole way to the hospital.

When we were walking in Lynn told me that Dr. Bulger will sometimes do breech vaginal births, so that gave me a little hope to hold on to.  L&D knew we were coming so when we got into the ER they called up and a nurse came down to get us.  This is when things start to get a little blurry for me. Everything was happening so quickly. We got into a little room and I changed into a hospital gown.  I put my Ipod on and was listening to my OM (a CD we listen to at yoga).  Dr. Bulger and Dr. Wolfe were there because Dr. Bulger doesn’t do c-sections.  I was given a shot of terbutaline to stop my contractions and checked again by both doctors. Which I must say, was probably the most violating and uncomfortable part of the entire experience. I’m still not quiet sure why both of them felt the need to do a cervical check. We had an ultrasound that confirmed her head was way up under my left rib and she was still at a -2 station.  They explained to me why doing a version wasn’t safe at this point and then we started talking about the option of a breech vaginal birth. Honestly, I was really surprised that it was even something they would consider. The only thing I remember about the conversation was Dr. Wolfe saying something about the posibility of her body coming out and then my cervix closing around her neck.  At one point I sat up in bed because I was having a contraction and her heart rate dropped on the monitor. That was the point for me where I knew I needed to start being informed of what would happen during the c-section and let them know the things I wanted done in the OR instead of still talking about the vaginal birth.

Fortunately, the nurses and doctors we had were very sympathetic to the fact that we were in the exact opposite place we wanted to be. This was as far from the birth we planned as you could get and they were very accomodating to our needs/desires. They all stayed right next to my bed and kept me a part of the whole process. They allowed Steve, Lynn, and Eileen to go into the OR with me. The baby’s sex was still a secret so we told them we didn’t want anyone to blurt out what it was. We wanted to be the first to know.  Although, little did we know Lynn discoved the sex during my exam at the house! LOL I wanted the baby skin to skin with Steve if she couldn’t be skin to skin with me.

They took me to the OR first in a wheel chair and all I remember is how freezing cold it was the minute we walked through the door. My anesthesiologist was awesome. He kept me laughing and jokingly suggested that Carla was a great name (his name was Carlos) if the baby was a girl.  The scariest part of the birth for me was right after my spinal was placed. They laid me down very quickly so the medicine would distribute evenly.  I started feeling like I was trapped in my own body. I still felt like I could move, but couldn’t actually move. I could tell I was still breathing but it felt like something heavy was on my chest. Finally they let Steve, Lynn, and Eileen in to be with me.  We were joking about how ridiculous it was that Steve had to wear a hair net.

Everything went much faster than I expected. I kept asking Steve to look and tell me what was going on, but he didn’t want to. I asked for a mirror and still couldn’t see anything because of the placement of the nurses and doctors. I was getting so frustrated that I couldn’t actually watch her being born. I didn’t care about the blood or the fact that I was being cut open. I just wanted to see her come out.  When Steve said he would look I asked Lynn if she would check to see how close it was.  In one of the pictures you can see my anesthesiologist pointing to the left because he was telling me to look that way because she was almost out.

As soon as they pulled her out, at 4:19 am, the nurse brought her around to us so we could peek between her legs. I reached out and moved her leg and said, “I knew it!” From the very beginning I knew she was a girl. I also remember thinking, “She doesn’t look like any of the names we have picked.” They took her and wiped her off a bit and then brought her back over and tucked her inside of Steve’s scrubs while they finished closing me up.  I started feeling something very strange. I can’t describe the feeling, but it made me very curious about what they were doing. I asked Lynn if  she would tell me what they were doing. She looked and leaned down close to me and said, “I don’t think you want to know.” I did want to know though! She told me my uterus was out and sitting on my abdomen. It was driving me crazy that I couldn’t see what they were doing! I was so curious about the whole procedure.

The whole time Maggie was snuggled in his scrubs, both Steve and I were trying to get a little peek at her, but you can see in the pictures that all we could see was one little eye and an ear. As much as I wanted to see her face I was so glad she was getting that bonding time with her daddy. We could all hear her smacking her lips and Steve jokingly told her she wasn’t going to get what she was looking for from him!

When it was almost time to head to recovery they swaddled our little un-named beauty and finally handed her to me to hold. She had the most perfect little round face and it was like looking at Addison all over again. She’s identical to her very proud big sister.  As soon as we got into recovery they sat my bed up so I could nurse her and start getting to know this new little person. She latched on right away and it was clear to me right from the start that she was not a Charlotte, a Lilly, a Maegan, or a Julianne.  I knew that I was going to need some time to get to know her before she would have a name.  She still doesn’t have the name that I feel she was meant to have, but I didn’t feel it was fair to Steve to make him settle on something he didn’t like. She’s still our Maggie, no matter what the longer version of her name may be.

Eventhough her birth was the birth I feared the most I’m very at peace with how she came into the world. I feel that she came to us how she needed to come to us and I’m really ok with how everything played out. I felt like I was an active participant in every decision that was made and was able to make her birth just as beautiful as it would have been at home, only in a different way.  I still mourn my homebirth. I still can’t bring myself to unpack my birth kit.  Everytime I look at my bathtub it brings me back to that night and me walking out of the house leaving it full of warm water. I get a little teary thinking about how things could have been, but then when I look at all of the pictures of my birth I see how genuinely happy I was and I know that everything happened exactly as it was meant to happen. 

Thanks to our awesome friend, Eileen, we can relive this day anytime we want with nearly 300 amazing pictures. She captured every moment perfectly. I wish I could put captions on all the pictures b/c there’s something I could say about the moment each of them was taken. They begin with us leaving the house and end with us in recovery. If you want to see all of our pictures from the birth this is the link:

http://traditionsphotography.morephotos.com/mp_client/pictures_welcome.asp?categories=no&keywords2=no&eventid=25047

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The Rainbow Goose

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I have to start this blog out by saying Steve and I love Adam Sandler movies. We’ve probably seen every one of them (multiple times!) and they never get old. A few of them we probably have memorized from start to finish. One of my favorites is probably Billy Madison. It reminds me of some fun times in college (Amanda can vouch for that) and it just cracks me up every time I turn it on.  There is one part in the movie, when Billy is repeating 1st Grade where he colors a duck blue. Here’s the quote:
Billy Madison: Well, I made the duck blue because I’d never seen a blue duck before and I wanted to see one.
Miss Lippy: Well, I think it’s an excellent blue duck. Congratulations Billy, you just passed the first grade.
Billy Madison: Wow, Miss Lippy, that’s great. What do you think of that Mr. Blue Duck?
[pretending to be duck]
Billy Madison: That’s quacktastic.

So, I about died laughing when Addison came home today with this work sheet:

Rainbow Goose

As she handed it to me she said very matter-of-factly, “Well, I made the goose rainbow because I’ve never seen a rainbow goose and I wanted to see one.”

Oh, and while we’re looking at the picture-who gives a pre-K kid a work sheet with a picture of a gun on it? Couldn’t they come up with something better? Goat? Grapes? Grandma?

It’s like getting socks.

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When you’re little Christmas morning is something you look forward to for months. Heck, I’m almost 30 years old and still haven’t stopped! You dream about those packages under the tree and try to imagine what will be inside them. It’s one of the most exciting days of the year! So, imagine when you wake up and run to the tree and every single present you open is socks. Not even pretty, fuzzy, cozy socks. Plain white ankle socks. That was today in a nutshell.

When I went to my midwife for my first prenatal appointment I had to fill out the standard mess of paperwork. One of those papers stated I needed to decide then whether or not I wanted a 3D ultrasound for an extra fee that would not be covered by insurance. This is our last baby. It was a very unplanned pregnancy so the bonding I felt right from the beginning with this baby has been minimal. Because of this there was never a doubt in my mind that we would do the 3D. I didn’t want to know the sex this time around so getting a small glimpse at his/her face has been on my mind for months. 

We went in the room and as soon as she put the wand on my belly the tech says, “The baby’s hands are up in front of the face so there are going to be a lot of black shadows. ” She showed us a foot once and a hand once. The rest of the time was spent hovering around trying to get some face shots. Everything was a big blurry mess. I don’t know if the quality of their machine is bad or if the tech was just bored with trying and didn’t really care what she gave us as long as she gave us something, but whatever the reason I feel completely cheated out of my time and money. I do remember thinking at one point that the baby resembles Noah and that it had chubby cheeks, but I watch the video back that the tech gave us and none of those clearer shots are even on there.  I don’t know what the hell she was recording, but most of the time you can’t even tell it’s a baby. Steve and I sat here tonight trying to make light of the situation a bit and managed to come up with about 10 other things the baby looked like, a pumpkin, a cat, and Michael Jackson, to name a few. It was like when you lay and watch clouds and make pictures out of them.

When we had our regular 20 week ultrasound this same tech did a great job explaining what everything was that we were looking at, but she gave us a couple of mediocre pictures. I went through the video and took still screen shots to get some great pics to show people. I was hoping to be able to do the same this time around, but there’s nothing. It’s a big blur of sepia tones.  I will be mentioning to my midwife at my next appointment (in TWO weeks. Holy crap I’m on bi-weekly appointments now!) that they need to show sample pictures of what to expect during this ultrasound because had I known how poor the quality would be there’s no way I would ever done it. I can think of a heck of a lot of other things to spend $100 on. I left there in tears and have been crying on and off all night. I keep staring at the pictures trying to feel something. Trying to see something. If you look closely at a few of them you can make out some blurry facial features, but after Googling 3D ultrasound images and staring in wonder at the pictures other woman got to see of their babies it just makes me even more upset.

Some of you are probably reading this thinking, “Well, that sucks but it doesn’t sound nearly as bad as she’s making it out to be.”  What else was going on in the room while getting this totally shitty ultrasound?

Alaina was hiding behind a chair crying because the baby was “scary” and “looked like a witch.”  She refused to look at the screen. She whimpered the entire time she wasn’t crying and was trying to pull herself up onto the table with me. A table, mind you, that barely I fit on by myself. She was too hot. She was too tired. She wanted to go play in the waiting room. Should I keep going?? I think the fact that this baby is real came crashing into her brain when that ultrasound machine came on and we’ve been dealing with the fall out all night. I’m trying to stay patient with her and I know I need to address these fears and concerns that she’s acting out, but I could barely keep myself from being weepy all night so I knew I would just get frustrated with her if I tried to get to the bottom of her fears tonight.

Addison was laying across two chairs pretending she was sleeping and loudly fake snoring. Then she had to go potty. Then she looked at the screen for about 30 seconds. Then she had to go potty. Followed by more fake snoring and sleeping.

Noah. Well, Noah was being Noah. Most of you have had the pleasure of meeting and spending at least 5 minutes with my little man. He’s an adorable pain in the ass.

Then Steve got a work related phone call halfway through letting him know that while he was gone a worker hit a gas line out on his project that completely shut down 33 in front of Concord Mall. So then I start worrying about how the hell I’m going to figure out how to get home. Elkhart and I do not get along when it comes to driving directions.

Oh, and the baby’s breech. And I had to get labs drawn. All around craptastic day.